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Battery Operated

Couples Click — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 15:00:27 +0000

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down… and saw her husband was holding a battery- operated pleasure device… a vibrator! Soft, wonderful, and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

You impotent bastard, She screamed at him, how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself! The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: I’ll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.

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The Doctors Wife

Couples Click — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 15:00:54 +0000

A man was suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he was referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

The specialist asked him what his symptoms were and he replied, I get these blinding headaches kind of like a knife across my scalp and…

He was interrupted. And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear? Yes! Exactly! How did you know?

Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, but I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.

Two weeks went by and the man came back. Well, how do you feel? the doctor asked.

Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way… You have a beautiful house!

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Hot Wife and the Doctor

Couples Click — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 15:00:39 +0000

Doctor, doctor, please kiss me! says the patient.

No, I’m sorry, that would be against the code of ethics, says the doctor.

Ten minutes later the patient says: Doctor, please, kiss me just once.

No, I’m sorry, I just can’t! he says. Five minutes later, she asks again, Please, please kiss me!

Look, says the doctor, it’s out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn’t even be fucking you.

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Suzie a Parrot and a Priest

Couples Click — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 15:00:42 +0000

Suzie has a pet parrot that she totally adores, but every time she has male company over, her parrot blurts out, My name’s Sally, I’m a swinger!.

One evening, Suzie’s having her local priest over for dinner. She covers the cage with a sheet so the parrot won’t see the preist and blurt out anything embarrassing during his visit.

Later, while Suzie is off getting their drinks, the priest notices the covered cage. Curious, he lifts the sheet, and immediately, Sally says, My name’s Sally and I’m a swinger! Just then, Suzie walks in and hears what Sally has just said to the priest and is mortified. I’m SO SORRY, Father, please forgive me, I can’t seem to get my parrot to stop saying such horrible and nasty things…

The priest then tells Suzie that he’s got two parrots at home who are very well behaved and very religious… My female parrot, Rose, recites the Rosary on her beads every night, while my other parrot, Mike, faithfully reads the Bible every night. Why don’t you let me take Sally to my house for a few days so the boys can set her straight?

Suzie agrees and the Father leaves that night with her parrot. As soon as he gets home, he puts Sally in the cage with Mike and Rose who are deep in prayer over their rosary beads and bible. As soon as the preist leaves the room Sally loudly squaks to her new friends, My name’s Sally and I’m a swinger!

Patty looks up and says, Mike, put that Bible down! Our prayers have finally been answered!!

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Sperm Count

Couples Click — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 15:00:24 +0000

A 70 year old lifestyle man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow. The next day the old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on – the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: Well, doc, it’s like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She – tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She – even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.

The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor? and your wifes o.k. with that the old man replied,Sure! My wifes an adult. In fact the lady nest door is over all the time, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the DAMN jar open!

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To Swing or Not To Swing

Couples Click — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 15:00:36 +0000

After being in the lifestyle for some time, a couple has a heart to heart talk about if they are to continue swinging or not. The husband decides to take a walk out in the city and mull it over.

During his walk he runs in to a disheveled homeless man who asks for some money. He replies to the homeless man:

If I give you some money, will you spend it on booze? No replied the homeless man I don’t drink

If I give you some money will you spend it partying with you’re friends like that guy in the van down by the river? Absolutely not he said, I gave up partying long time ago.

If I give you some money will you spend it on a hooker? Not a chance the homeless guy said I’m just trying to survive here, I don’t do those kinda things.

The man paused a second and said In that case, I’ll take you home with me and my wife will cook you a fantastic dinner. I don’t know the homeless man replied, I’m very dirty, I’m a mess and I smell bad.

That’s okay, said the man I just want my wife to see what happens to a guy who doesn’t drink, party or have sex

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Shagging

Couples Click — Fri, 29 May 2009 15:00:00 +0000

A mouse walking through the jungle stumbled across an elephant that was lying on the ground crying. The mouse asked what the problem was an the elephant told him she has a thorn embedded in her foot and couldn’t grab it with her trunk and its was so painful.

The mouse told the elephant that with his tiny sharp teeth he could probably get the thorn out and the elephant said she would do anything for the mouse if he did. The mouse then gnawed at the thorn and removed it then said to the elephant You said I could have anything. I wanna shag ya

The elephant laughed and agreed then leant against a tree with her ass in the air. The mouse positioned him self behind the elephant on a tree stump and began hammering away like a mad man. The mouse asked the elephant to push back and laughing as she did the elephant obliged and stepped on the thorn again and screamed in pain to which the mouse shouted, Take it all bitch!

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Jack and Jane Went Swinging

Couples Click — Fri, 15 May 2009 15:00:26 +0000

The local swingers club had two employees, Jane and Jack. Both were superb with the customers, always kept the drinks flowing and joined in the fun whenever they could. The punters loved them both but one day the boss looked at the accounts and had no choice but to make one redundant.

He watched them both like a hawk all week to try and decide whom to give their cards but as usual both were on the ball.

He watched Jane from his office as she took a couple of aspirin after a particularly hard night and decided to talk to her.

Jane he said I’m gonna have to lay you or Jack off

Jane answered, Can you jack off…I have a head ache

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Dogging

Couples Click — Fri, 01 May 2009 15:00:23 +0000

After an argument Sue stormed upstairs and returned an hour later wearing a mini skirt resembling a scarf and a tight boob tube with thigh high boots on. George asked where she was going and was told Dogging! Don’t wait up!

After Match of the Day George looked at the clock and smiled a smug grin knowing she’d be home soon and hadn’t actually gone dogging but to the pub. At 3 am he consoled himself that she’d be home soon as the local Indian restaurant had closed. He woke at 5:30am to the sound of Sue staggering in.

Where the hell have you been? he shouted

I went dogging and found an absolute stud! she answered

Tearful and hurt George stuttered, Did he touch those amazing boobs you have?

Sue answered He fondled and groped and sucked these boobs til they were sore!

Did he touch that big soft curvy bum? asked George

He groped and squeezed and bit this bum til it ached Sue laughed

And…. and…what about that big hairy c*nt? George asked sobbing

Sue stared at George and said He never mentioned you once!

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Swinger Escapes From Hell

Couples Click — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 15:00:48 +0000

A swinger died and went to Satan’s Swinging Hell. Scared and feeling hard done by he told the Devil there must be a mistake and that he should be upstairs.

We hear this a lot, said the Devil So what you have to do to get out of here is go into that room over there and shag the woman in it

The man opened the door to see the ugliest woman he’d ever seen dripping in semen and riddled with lice and smelling like a shit smuggler’s duffel bag.

I can’t do it, said the man in floods of tears.

As the Devil led him to his doom he peeped into another room and saw Donatello having sex with Angelina Jolie.

Oi! said the man pulling at the Devil’s cloak What the fuck is that all about?

The Devil smiled and said Angelina Jolie wants to get out too!

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