As the face of the lifestyle in the adult industry I often receive the question: “How does a single male get into the lifestyle?” To be honest there is no “easy” answer to this question (although if you take the time to figure out what I like in men and fit the profile…email me!). The truth is, the answer lies almost 90% in patience. Women’s preferences in men are almost impossible to figure out. I like my guys to be men’s, men. The strong, confident types. I personally am attracted to bigger, fit guys rather than thin men. Age is of no concern as long as there is an air of maturity….sophistication. On the other hand a girlfriend of mine who is also a 30 something, successful,  fit blonde likes the thin, scruffy types who have the maturity (in my humble opinion) of a 12 year old!

I can let you in on a few tips that might help you in your exploration of the swinging lifestyle though.

Before you, the single guy, try to make a leap into the swinger’s lifestyle there are a few things that you should be aware of and consider, many that most guys never think of. The first thing that you should realize is that swinging is basically a couples activity. There has always been a debate over whether single guys who do get into the lifestyle are actually swingers or if they are just LUCKY. Personally, I think it depends on their perspective. Swinging is about the fulfilling and sharing of fantasies. If you enter the lifestyle with the idea in your head that you are looking to help others fulfill their fantasies while fulfilling your own, then yes I believe you are a swinger. If, however, you are attempting to enter the lifestyle with only the thought that it’s an easy way to get laid, not only are you not a swinger but you are sadly mistaken.

As you are probably already aware it’s not easy for a single guy to get into the lifestyle; however, you might not be aware of the simple reason as why. Go back to my earlier statement that swinging is mainly a couples activity and it is about fulfilling fantasies. Yes, there are many couples out there who have fantasies, which involve an extra male or 4 or 5 even. However, for every couple out there looking to include males in their playtime, there are at least 10 males looking to fill that one spot. So, as you can see You have some competition.

So how do you beat out the competition? There are two things that will get you in the door the fastest; not every guy fits the description. What are they? The first is NOT a big cock so for Gods sake please stop posting pictures of your dick in the online ads! As a woman I am far more interested in seeing your face, how you dress, the non verbal communication derived from seeing how you pose in these pictures and as far as your body… a full sized picture in your underwear is 10 times more effective than a close up of your dick!

So now that you know what not to do… what should you do?

• Understand that race does not matter. There are just as many women and couples that have fantasies about “her first black guy” as there are about just about anything else.
• Understand that the key is really in your attitude. If you are simply looking to get laid that will show and it will decrease your chances. If you are honestly looking to fulfill fantasies both of your own and others and show that you are there as much for them as for yourself you will do well.
• Post an ad complete with the pictures and parameters I outlined above and start searching ads that are already out there from couples seeking males and answer those that you qualify for. When looking through ads that are already out there, read the ads carefully. Make sure you understand what the couple is looking for and make sure that you qualify. If they aren’t seeking males, don’t respond to the ad. If they are only seeking black males and you are white don’t assume that you are special and just because you are nice they will want you. If you don’t fit what they are looking for don’t respond to the ad.
• When you do respond, don’t just write an email or letter saying how much you’d like to do the wife. Tell them about yourself, provide a good description of who you are, what you look like and where you are coming from (in regards to the lifestyle). If possible, include a g-rated full-body or head shot photo. A g-rated photo that includes your face will get you a LOT further than just a pic of your dick. Unless the couple requested a pic of your dick, don’t send it. Save the explicit pics for after you’ve talked with them and they have asked for it. And please heed this tip…. make sure you acknowledge and respect the husband. If you do not…you can forget about your chances.
• Make sure you post a complete ad at multiple sites. You would be amazed at how different the people are at different sites… these sites become “clique-ish” so you will greatly increase your chances by placing an ad at multiple sites. If the $30 a month is too great a price to pay…. you are probably not “lifestyle” material.
• When posting your ad, post as much information about yourself as possible. Give a good description of yourself as well as good description of the type of encounter you are looking for. Are you looking to get involved with a couple long-term? Or, just a one-night fantasy fulfillment? Also, provide a good idea of your location; I realize if you live in a small town you might not want to state the name of your town, but at least include the name of a larger town near you. If you are willing to travel, make that clear. If you can host activities at your home, state that. Be honest in your ad. If you are a married guy swinging without your wife be honest about that fact. However, I must point out that if you are a married guy swinging without your wife and you do not have her consent to do so then you are NOT swinging, you are cheating and most swingers will not look to kindly on that. Remember swinging is about honest and open relationships, not lying and cheating.

So.. single guys… don’t give up hope. If you really want to join the swinger lifestyle you can. It might take some time, but as long as you keep a good attitude and keep plugging away you’ll get there eventually.

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Although elements of communication have been discussed in other areas of my swingers handbook it is so important that I felt it deserved its own special segment!

Honest communication with your partner is THE most important aspect of any relationship, whether you swing or not. It is important to make sure that your partner knows that they are the most important person to you, and that swinging will always come second. If at any time they feel otherwise, your relationship is in trouble.

Before you start swinging you should make sure that your relationship is secure, for this to be so you must already have a strong backbone of communication. You should talk to each other about what makes you happy, what turns you on, what bothers you and what you could not handle seeing or doing. And you have to listen to each other.

Use the issues you discuss to help you set boundaries and rules when you do enter the lifestyle. Never do anything that either one of you is not comfortable with. Setting boundaries will help insure that feelings are not hurt. Make sure that anyone you swing with is aware of your boundaries and rules prior to swinging. By ensuring that the other people involved are aware of your boundaries you will ensure that your boundaries don’t become a problem later (they will have already been addressed and if the other people you are with can’t handle your boundaries then they should say so).

Don’t be afraid to set your boundaries to tight, you can always expand them later, as you both grow more comfortable with what you are doing. However, if you set the boundaries to far out or don’t set any at all, it is very likely that someone will get their feelings hurt, because something happened that someone wasn’t comfortable with.

Communication must occur at all times. This includes, not only when the two of you are alone, but even when you are with other couples, whether you are just meeting them for the first time or swinging with them for the fifth.

Before you and your partner go out to meet another couple, establish ways to communicate between yourselves that others won’t be aware of. That way if you meet someone and one of you is not interested, they can communicate that without flat out saying it. The same goes with if you are both interested and want to proceed.

Don’t be afraid to speak up during an encounter if something is bothering you, or if you aren’t comfortable for any reason. Keeping feelings to yourself will only cause resentment. It is better to get things out in the open and cleared away than to to have them fester so that something that could have been taken care of easily becomes a large issue.

There isn’t enough I can say to stress how important, Communication is. If it is there, it can create the strongest relationship possible, if it is absent, it will most likely destroy a relationship.

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“AIDS” – its mere mention strikes fear into the hearts of millions. We hear that, while here in the United States it is primarily confined to homosexual men and IV drug users, it is increasing among heterosexuals. We are told that we should always practice “safe sex”, in order to avoid HIV infection and the supposed inevitable resulting death from AIDS.

AIDS has been a serious problem for homosexual men who engage in high risk anal sex, and for intravenous (“IV”) drug users. But what about the “healthy heterosexual” – that is, the heterosexual who is in good health, does not have any sexually transmitted diseases (“STDs”) which might leave sores or lesions in the genital area, who does not generally engage in anal sex, and who is not sexually involved with the drug community or others at increased risk of HIV infection?
Should the “healthy heterosexual” be concerned about the risk of contracting HIV from sexual activity, or is the risk too remote to worry about?

If you believe that, for the 85% to 90% of the population that are “healthy heterosexuals”, the risk of AIDS is too remote to worry about, you’re right. However, if you qualify as a “healthy heterosexual” but still are concerned about the risk of AIDS, read on. You’ll learn about the present state of the AIDS epidemic (it’s leveled off and appears to have begun to decline), whether having multiple sexual partners significantly increases your risk of HIV infection (it does not), whether condoms are really necessary for prevention of HIV infection (usually they are not), whether AIDS education for heterosexuals is doing more harm than good (it probably is), and whether HIV really does cause AIDS (many think it does not, at least not by itself).

The present state of the AIDS epidemic

Acquired immune deficiency syndrome, known as “AIDS”, was first diagnosed in the early 1980s. A couple of years later, it was announced that AIDS was caused by a virus. This virus was called the human immunodeficiency virus, or “HIV”.

It is important to note that AIDS is not a disease, but rather a collection of previously known diseases which have in common the syndrome of a deficiency of the immune system. The definition of AIDS has been expanded three times – in 1985, 1987, and 1993 – as it was determined that additional diseases supposedly were caused by HIV.

As of December 1994, a total of 441,528 AIDS cases had been reported to the Centers for Disease Control (“CDC”) since the epidemic began. 84% of the adult/adolescent cases were attributed to either male homosexual contact or IV drug use. 7% were from heterosexual contact, with the majority of these being from contact with IV drug users. The remaining 9% were from hemophilia (1%), blood transfusions (2%) or unknown risks (6%).

AIDS is almost 100% fatal, with 270,870 deaths from AIDS having been reported since 1981. Many of those still alive were diagnosed with AIDS during the most recent few years. (While the number of AIDS deaths may seem large, during the same time period there were more than 25 million deaths in the United States from all causes. Thus AIDS accounted for about 1% of all deaths during that period.)

Is the AIDS epidemic continuing to increase?

We see newspaper articles which suggest that the AIDS epidemic is continuing to grow, particularly among young people. Actually, however, if one allows for the changing definitions of “AIDS” mentioned earlier, the number of new AIDS cases being reported appears to have leveled off a couple of years ago.

Young people are no exception. In fact, from 1990 to 1992, when the overall number of AIDS cases was still increasing, the total number of new AIDS cases at ages 13- 24 declined from 1796 cases in 1990 to 1605 cases in 1992. (It isn’t possible to make year-to-year numerical comparisons after 1992 because the definition of AIDS was significantly broadened in 1993.)

Even so, shouldn’t young people be more concerned about AIDS?

Perhaps some should be; however, you really can’t blame them for not worrying about AIDS. Only about 2% of deaths occurring at ages 15-24 are from AIDS, and less than half of these are attributed to heterosexual contact. Young people are far more likely to die from accidents, homicide or suicide – or even from cancer – than from AIDS. For them, the principal danger of unprotected sex is that it may create a life, not that it may cost one.

How likely is the healthy heterosexual to encounter an HIV-positive sexual partner?

Highly unlikely, assuming some reasonable discretion is used in choosing sexual partners. If you avoid those who seem likely to be at a higher risk for HIV (street prostitutes, obvious drug users, etc.), there are relatively few HIV-positive people out there. Depending on where you live, the probability of such an encounter might vary from one in 1000 to one in 5000 or less.

If by some unfortunate chance my sexual partner is HIV-positive, how likely is it that I will become infected from a “one night stand”?

Again, highly unlikely. Statistical studies show that HIV is extremely difficult to transmit by penile-vaginal sex, particularly from a woman to a man. A heterosexual woman probably has an average risk of between one in 500 and one in 1000 of becoming infected from a sexual encounter with an HIV-positive man. A heterosexual man has even less of a risk if his female partner is infected. Moreover, these figures include both healthy and not-so-healthy people (i.e., those with other STDs, etc.). So if you are a “healthy heterosexual”, your risk is extremely remote indeed. According to the experts, unless you have some special problem such as genital sores or lesions which might make you unusually susceptible to infection, HIV transmission from heterosexual contact generally requires repeated exposure to HIV, and therefore usually occurs between regular sexual partners, one of whom is HIV-positive, rather than from one night stands.

So what is the risk to the healthy heterosexual of HIV-infection from the “one night stand” with a seemingly healthy partner?

Virtually zero – usually less than one-in-a-million. In fact, you’re probably more at risk of being killed in a car accident on the way to the “no-tell motel” than you are of getting HIV infection once you arrive there.

Does having multiple sexual partners significantly increase the risk of HIV transmission?

Contrary to popular belief, it does not. It can be proven mathematically that the lower the efficiency of transmission, the less important the number of partners becomes. For the more easily transmitted STDs, the number of sexual partners makes a big difference. However, for HIV, if you are a healthy heterosexual the transmission efficiency is so low that the number of partners makes virtually no difference.

Should I worry about whom my sexual partner has been with previously?

Not really, unless you have some reason to believe that he or she has had a regular sexual relationship with someone, such as a drug user, who was at increased risk of HIV infection. The more easily transmitted STDs travel from man-to-woman-to-man-to-woman, etc., and so one’s prior sexual partners are important. However, because HIV is so difficult to transmit heterosexually, “tertiary” transmissions among healthy heterosexuals (where someone gets infected heterosexually from someone else who also became infected in the same manner) are extremely rare.

Can I get HIV infection from oral sex or shaking hands, kissing, etc.

There are no proven instances of HIV transmission from oral sex or “casual contact”. There have been some alleged instances, and there are those who warn about the theoretical possibility of it happening if someone engages in oral sex with an open cut or sore in his or her mouth. Even so, the risk is so remote that it probably isn’t worth thinking about (unless your partner is believed to be HIV- positive, in which case some caution might be a good idea).

Condoms and hard hats – or, how important is “safe sex”?

We hear a lot of talk about the need for condoms. However, they are intrusive in the love making process, and so most people don’t like them. But are they really necessary for the healthy heterosexual?

Do you wear a hard hat all the time? No, of course not. They are worn only by such people as construction workers, those engaging in sports such as football and hockey, and some motorcyclists and bicyclists – in other words, people who are engaged in work or play involving a significantly increased risk of injury to the head.

Is this because for others there is no risk at all of getting hit on the head? Not at all. Many people have been hurt or killed from head injuries that might have been prevented if they had worn a hard hat while going about their daily lives.

Then why doesn’t everyone wear a hard hat all day long? The answer is simple. It’s because (1) for most people the risk of a head injury is very small (“one in a million”, or less), and (2) a hard hat is inconvenient and uncomfortable to wear. So unless you are a construction worker or an athlete, you are willing to take this small risk in order to avoid the inconvenience and discomfort of a hard hat, even at a very small risk to your life.

The same can be said about condoms. Yes, it’s theoretically possible that the failure to use a condom could cause you to become infected with HIV, just as it’s possible that failure to wear a hard hat could turn out to be fatal. But do you really want to spend your life worrying about “one-in-a-million” risks that will almost surely never happen to you?

Should anyone bother with condoms?

Not everyone needs to use a condom, any more than we all need to wear hard hats. But should anyone use a condom? Certainly, just as some people should use hard hats.

Condoms should be used to reduce the risk of unwanted pregnancy – a serious problem for some segments of the population – if no other method of birth control is being used.

Condoms should be used by homosexual men when engaging in anal sex, particularly if many partners are involved, to prevent the transmission of all STDs.

Condoms should be used by heterosexuals for the prevention of other STDs when either partner is at increased risk for such diseases. For example, they should be used when one’s partner has a history of STDs, or has some current symptoms, such as lesions, sores, or genital warts, or is particularly susceptible to exposure to STDs (such as might be the case with a street prostitute). And of course they should be used if one’s partner is known to be HIV-positive.

But usually if your concern about HIV and other STDs is so great that you feel the need to use a condom, you probably shouldn’t be in the bedroom in the first place! (Would you feel safe walking through a bad neighborhood, just because you were wearing a hard hat to protect yourself from a rap on the head by a mugger?)

The dangers of “condomania”

Today we are in the midst of an epidemic of “condomania” – i.e., emphasis on the need to use condoms to prevent HIV transmission. While the AIDS epidemic is confined almost entirely to homosexual men, IV drug users and their regular sexual partners, “condomania” has permeated much of our society. It is a part of the larger epidemic of “AIDS paranoia”. Because of AIDS paranoia, there have been tens of thousands of cases of discrimination against those known or even suspected of being HIV-positive. Dozens of laws have been passed to “protect” the public against HIV infection and AIDS. Many of those laws have been ill-advised and counterproductive.

“Condomania” has done little to prevent the transmission of HIV except among homosexual men. But has it done any harm?

Unfortunately, it probably has. First of all, there is some evidence that condoms can cause irritation, inflammation and other medical problems, particularly when used with Nonoxynol 9 – the procedure recommended to ensure prevention of the transmission of HIV.

But the psychological impact is even more serious. Think of the harm we are doing. It is one thing to teach young people about sexual responsibility, and to tell our daughters not to get pregnant until they are married and ready for children. But we are teaching children and adults alike that “intimacy means death”. In the process, we are interfering with one of the most basic human desires – that of sexual intimacy – by telling millions of people, most of whom have little or no risk of HIV infection, that sex may kill them unless they “protect” themselves from their sexual partner, who may be carrying a deadly, and sexually transmittable, virus. We are telling them that they may die a horrible death unless they intrude on the lovemaking process by using some artificial means to prevent their body fluids from intermingling, even though for many that intermingling is an important part of the sexual experience. Surely for the healthy heterosexual the stress we are creating is doing more harm than the warnings are doing good.

Does HIV really cause AIDS?

Up to this point, we’ve been assuming that HIV is the cause of AIDS. However, in the last few years, an increasing number of respected scientists have come to the conclusion that the relationship of HIV to AIDS is far more complicated than simply “HIV causes AIDS”. Some of these scientists believe that HIV is a harmless virus that has nothing to do with AIDS. Others believe that HIV is related to AIDS in some way, but that it requires some immune system damaging “co-factor” to be harmful. Still others believe that HIV is only one of a number of immune suppressing factors which, when taken in combination with other such factors, ultimately destroys the immune system and creates the medical illness we call “AIDS”.

While we don’t know all the answers, we do know that in virtually every case in which “AIDS” has been diagnosed, there is some provable and identifiable risk factor present (besides HIV) which would tend to damage the immune system. In his book Rethinking AIDS, Dr. Robert Root-Bernstein gives a lengthy list of drugs and other conditions which are known to damage the immune system. These include not only IV drugs, but also non-IV “recreational” drugs, as well as certain prescription drugs such as AZT, and some of the stronger drugs prescribed for the treatment and prophylaxis of some sexually transmitted diseases (drugs which are frequently taken in large quantities). It also includes immune system abnormalities such as hemophilia. It is very unusual to find someone with AIDS who doesn’t have one or more of these risk factors.

The risks and rewards of life

Do “healthy heterosexuals” get AIDS? There are heterosexuals without known risk factors who have been diagnosed with AIDS. But these are rare cases. Many more healthy heterosexuals have died because they weren’t wearing a hard hat.

But healthy heterosexuals are not going to start wearing hard hats – nor should they lie awake worrying about AIDS. No matter how hard we try, we cannot avoid all risks in life – only some of the bigger ones. Even a life of celibacy doesn’t totally protect against HIV infection – neither a hard hat or a condom would protect you against someone stabbing you with an HIV-infected needle while you were walking down the street.

This is not to suggest that we should not be sexually responsible. Both men and women have a responsibility to avoid unwanted pregnancies. We should be aware of the symptoms of STDs, and get prompt treatment when such symptoms appear. (Fortunately, except for HIV, all STDs except herpes, which is not life threatening, are curable with proper treatment.) We should always tell our prospective sexual partners of any transmittable diseases we have – even a common cold. And we should keep our own bodies healthy and drug-free, and avoid sexual contact with those whose bodies are not equally healthy and drug-free.

But at the same time, we should not permit ourselves to become victims of AIDS paranoia. AIDS may be only one of a number of legitimate health concerns for the “not-so-healthy heterosexual”. However, for the healthy heterosexual, AIDS is truly a “one-in-a-million” risk – the kind we take several times every day just going about our daily lives. For example, consider a skiing trip. Just getting to the ski resort probably involves a risk of death from a car accident of several times “one-in-a-million”. Then there is the accident risk on the slopes, to say nothing of the dangers of overeating and drinking. And finally, there is the accident risk once more when making the trip back home. Yet those who are skiers don’t worry about these risks, because the rewards make the risks worth taking. Nor do we condemn the ski resort operators for encouraging people to take such risks.

Even if we avoid such “extra” risks as a ski trip, just living a day in our lives involves a risk of death from natural causes of more than one-in-a-million when we are young, and then gets gradually larger – much larger – as we age.

We will never get out of life alive, so we might as well enjoy it while we are around to do so. There’s little point in reaching a ripe old age thinking about how much of life’s pleasures we missed in order to avoid a few of those “one-in-a-million” risks.

So… Are those in the swinging lifestyle at more risk of contracting AIDS?

As of November 1 2006, there are no known cases I am aware of where HIV was transferred directly in the swing community.

The cases I have been able to find are as follows:

•    One case involved two clubs in Minnesota in 1983 where most of the regulars agreed to be tested. Of the 200 people tested two were found to be HIV+. The two positives were women who were engaging in anal sex with a HIV+ male from another city who was not a club member. He was known in the community to be bisexual. This was early in the learning process about AIDS.  In 1986 the CDC published a report about 58 people in the swing club who had also slept with these two women. NONE of these members had contracted AIDS/HIV from the two women that had tested HIV+

In practice condoms are seldom used by swingers, yet there are hardly any known cases of STD’s, much less HIV.

If AIDS could be effectively transmitted man-woman-man though intercourse, the entire swinging community would be riddled with it and it would have paralleled the spread in the gay community. . That, of course, hasn’t occurred.

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No, not practicing your sexual technique (that can help), but practice talking to people you DON’T know. That is one of the hardest things to do, especially for singles, particularly for some single men.

Talking to people is the first step to knowing if you really want to become involved with them. However, starting that conversation is an art that must be developed. It took me a lot longer to develop that skill because I come from a small town and I knew almost everything about almost everyone before I ever met them. There were no strangers in the five surrounding communities, and that acutally hindered (and still hinders) my personal life. Just like I knew the bad habits of people I had never met, people I never met knew mine. And when you are the only person who knows every Star Trek or Lost in Space episode and can quote any line just by hearing a short description of what happened, you are considered wierd. Funny that being able to tell how many points a particular athlete scored is considered useful information but…

where was I?

If you are a single man or woman just getting into swinging you have to hone your conversational skills past the point needed for just dating or regular socializing. Unlike a couple, you don’t have someone else for moral support or security. Its just you, and you have to be able to tell which way is up before your potential playmate(s) have a chance to pull the wool over your eyes (yes, couples will try to deceive you as fast as those evil single men and attention starved single women). The way to do this is to become so comfortable talking to total strangers that they leave thinking they have known you forever but forgot your name.

Practice talking to women on the street and finding out what technique works to get them to open up to you while at a bus stop or in line at a supermarket. Don’t try to pick them up, just try to start a light conversation. Then do the same with men you don’t know, then, most importantly, couples. Once you can approach a strange couple on the street and get them to talk to you, you can will have the confidence needed to make others have confidence in you. For singles, especially single men, that is one of the biggest roadblocks to swinging:Making others feel you are here for fun, not because its your last resort for sex or socialization.

Clubs. Again, knowing how to start a conversation with a couple you don’t know in a non-sexual environment will go a long way to meeting couples when you go to clubs. First of all, if you are a single man who is practicing meeting couples on the street, you will almost automatically talk to the man and build some kind of rapport with him. If you are a single woman, you will most likely start by talking to the woman. If you do this enough, when you go to a swing club you will automatically fall into that mode. Sure, everyone knows you are there hoping to eventually have sex, but by approaching the same sex member of a couple and talking to them instead of approaching the opposite sex partner will go a long way making the couple comfortable with you. Once you get to the joking and flirting part of the conversation, THEY will be the ones asking you to join them, not you asking if you can join them.

Lastly, the confidence thing again. Why do basketball players practice freethrows? So they know what works. Why do they practice jumpshots? So it becomes natural. Once something becomes natural, you will have confidence in doing it. If you are a single used to talking to couples, it will go a long way to making couples comfortable around you. Because they will see you are comfortable talking to them. Once you have confidence in yourself, others will have confidence in you. When others have confidence in you, they are more likely to think of you favorably. When that happens, guys, “Nice tits Mrs. O” becomes a compliment, not a come on.

Refernce For The Art of Flirtation

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The history of the word “swinging” is that it was previously called wife swapping but “wife swappers” needed an easier name to describe the activity. As “wife swapping” gained popularity and media attention in the 1950′s, the activity was changed to “swinging” and more recently “The Lifestyle”

So by saying your a single swinger your saying you are a single wife swapper…which doesn’t make a lot of sense.

Swinging has its roots from U.S. Air Force fighter pilots during World War II. These men were wealthy enough to move their wives close to base, and the fact that their fatality rate was the highest of any branch of service led to an unusual social milieu in which non-monogamy between these pilots’ wives and other pilots became acceptable. These arrangements persisted near Air Force bases throughout World War II and into the Korean War.

By the time the Korean War ended, these groups had spread from the bases to the nearby suburbs. The media picked up on them in 1957 and promptly dubbed the phenomenon ”wife-swapping.”

Supposedly there were also “key clubs” where husbands reportedly tossed their house keys into a pile in the center of the room where they were drawn at random by the wives. The owner of a selected key was the sexual partner for the evening.

Swinging has always been about couples – Every national swing convention in the U.S., and as far as I know of in the world, is couples only. Today marriage is less important so non-married “couples” have been generally accepted but some swingers prefer only to participate with married couples.

There are zillions of very good reasons why couples prefer couples. There are some single men that participate especially since clubs often have certain nights open to single men which raises lots of money since single men want so badly to participate. Those are the nights most “swingers” avoid, except for a few that do enjoy single men.

Very few single women participate so the problem is zillions of single men and little demand. Some single guys do fine but they are the exception in the lifestyle. Since many women are Bi there is also a demand for single Bi women to participate, but technically whether man or women a single, is really not a “swinger” they just are allowed to participate with “swingers” (couples previously known as “wife swappers”).

Another view further back in history of “Swinging”

The term “swinging” was first used by a Minister, who told his congregation there were weird people who were swinging back and forth from bed to bed, in the same manner as monkeys. He seemed to think they were doing something new but he was wrong! Even in Jesus’ time it was common and acceptable behavior for the wealthy to have many wives, concubines and slaves for their sexual pleasure. Several women rulers availed themselves of their power also, by keeping male slaves and consorts to satisfy their sexual needs and desires. What was considered new and weird in our present unenlightened sexually- controlled society has been considered normal and acceptable conduct by even early Christians as well as many other religions, cultures and civilizations in history.

Africa, Iran Egypt, China and Japan were among many countries that have lived a “swinging” lifestyle for centuries. In France, during Queen Marie’s time; wild orgies were the norm, until she lost her head for being a taker instead of a giver!

In more recent history, many world leaders — even those of the religious community have openly or secretly enjoyed their sexuality while trying to deny others the same rights and opportunities.

Ben Franklin was known to be a nudist, while enjoying his sexuality by “swinging”. In today’s moral mud-slinging climate, this brilliant statesman would not be allowed to hold a political office. The moral majority today would have hung him out to dry, just as they did Gary Hart! Today, people are only considered worthy of public office if they can almost be considered for sainthood! In many cases it’s just that they have been sneaky or secretive enough to keep their swinging natures from being known. (Adapted from “What Is The Swinging Lifestyle?” By Shirley Sez, S.&R. Productions).

Reference From Liberated Christians

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Hey guys, gals and couples! I have had a number of requests to put together a do’s and don’ts list!  This one will be brief just to get us started but I will be expanding upon it often…and if you have a do or don’t that you think would be helpful to the community here at couplesclick.tv just email it to me and I’ll put it up!

DO

1) Send your own photo – not someone else’s who you think is better looking than you are.
2) Tell the truth about your age. They will find out when you meet and it may be     embarrassing.
3) Be sure to use protection. This should not be negotiable.
4) Find out their interests and communicate yours so there are no unpleasant surprises.
5) Respond to all those who take the time to contact you. If you are not interested, say so nicely.
6) Send photos back to those who request them and who have provided theirs
7) Be open-minded and experimental but do not participate in anything that totally     turns you off.
Join swing sites and post messages in interesting forums.
9) Relax and have a great time!

DON’TS

1) Don’t send naked photos. You never know when and where they might turn up to     haunt you.
2) Don’t lie about anything.
3) Don’t try to coerce others into doing something they do not want to do.
4) Don’t give out your phone number if possible, until you meet in person.
5) Don’t have pre-conceived expectations as you may be disappointed.
6) Don’t go to a party in someone else’s car. You want to be able to leave if you aren’t     happy.
7) Don’t take someone else’s word as gospel for who you will find appealing.

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Every advice column I’ve seen on beginning swinging includes the phrase “set rules and live by them”. Unfortunately, the authors of those columns rarely go into any detail about how to do so.

This article is not meant to be the definitive source on rules for swinging, but rather a starting point for you to begin talking about your comfort level with your significant other.

The first thing you need to remember is that the person you share your life with, is the important person in swinging. Their comfort level, passion and self-esteem should always be your first concern.

That said, when discussing rules, you will need to remember that no matter how outlandish, silly, bizarre, or just plain crazy the rules your partner comes up with may seem to you – they need to be respected, because that rule is clearly important to your partner.

I’d also like to express my opinion that a discussion about rules should not be approached as a bargaining session, nor as a negotiation, but rather as an open discussion about turn-ons and turn-offs, intimacy and feelings.

Now that the preliminaries are out of the way, here are a couple of tips for the discussion:

• Be respectful!
• Really listen, too often when our partner is speaking, we begin thinking about our response before they are finished, and in this type of discussion, it is imperative that we listen actively and openly.
• Be honest! This is no time to hide your true feelings. To start with, many couples experience a scenario where one partner is more adventurous than the other – this is normal, and must be embraced.

Actually Setting Rules

Someone has to take the lead here, let it be you. The first thing you have to decide is “What am I comfortable with?” Questions you may want to ask your self are:

• Am I actually comfortable with my partner receiving sexual pleasure from another person?
• What if that person is of the same sex as my partner? Am I really comfortable seeing my partner give sexual pleasure to another person?
• What if that person is the same sex as my partner?
• Am I comfortable seeing my partner perform truly intimate acts with another person? (In this instance “truly intimate” is something you will need to define, for some “truly intimate” means kissing, for others it means sensual massage, for others it has completely different meanings, whatever your definition is, are you prepared for it?).
• Am I interested in actual sexual intercourse with a person other than my partner?
• Am I interested in fantasy or role-playing with someone other than my partner?
• How do I feel about my partner having sexual relations with another person without my presence?
• How do I feel about our potential partners being a part of our lives? Am I interested in sex with strangers or am I looking for intimate friendships that expand beyond simple sexual pleasure.
• Will I practice and expect my partners to practice safe sex? How do I define safe sex? Do I expect condom or dam usage in every situation?
• How will my partner and I meet potential partners?
• If we choose to meet people online what will our rules be for that? Will it bother me that my partner is placing or responding to ads without my being present? Do I have any issues with my partner chatting with potential partners without me?
• What am I looking for? Another couple? Single males? Single females? Roman orgy scenes?

Naturally, the questions above are not meant to be all-inclusive, but rather a starting point for you to begin thinking about your own needs, desires and comfort levels.

Tips:

Define signals with your partner, these signals need to cover situations like: Get me out of here!, We neet to talk, I’m uncomfortable, I’m interested, etc.

When setting rules it is important to be specific. For example, it may not be sufficient to say “we are comfortable with full sexual intercourse” and happily go off to meet your play partners. Questions to ask surrounding that rule may include:

How do we signal that we are uncomfortable in a situation?

Don’t forget there will be times when you will need a non-verbal signal, and times when the verbal signal you have defined earlier may be out of place – as an example, my wife and I defined a signal as “I need a smoke break”, whenever one of us said that it meant, “we need to talk”. Which was fine until we went to a swingers club and were sitting there happily smoking, and realized that we couldn’t say “I need a smoke break” without seeming either crazy or sneaky.

How do we define when we are “done”.

My wife and I struggled with this for some time, we would be playing with another couple, and one or the other of us would essentially be “finished” and ready to go, while the other was interested in continuing to play. Don’t assume anything. On one occassion, this little issue nearly made us give up the lifestyle, she was done, and I wasn’t and as I continued to play, she felt left out and inadequate. Are we only going to play in the same bed? In the same room? Or are we okay with separating and playing with someone else?

If we decide that we only play together, same room, same bed, etc. What happens if one of us needs to go to the bathroom? Should the other stop playing and wait? Continue to play? Accompany the other? Will we “take one for the team”? In other words, what if we meet another couple and my partner is completely turned on by the couple we meet, and I’m not. Do we still play? If not, how will I communicate to my partner that I’m not interested?

Discuss everything

After each experience talk about everything that happened, were you excited? Challenged? Happy? Was it a pleasurable experience? Were there any “awkward” moments? Be sure to openly discuss whether you are interested in playing again with whoever you played with.

Be prepared for change

Typically, as you gain experience, your rules will evolve. When we initially began swinging, one of my rules was that I didn’t want my wife to swallow for another man – this seemed like an extremely intimate act to me, and while I was comfortable with recreational sex, I was uncomfortable with perceived “intimacy” between my wife and another man.

After a few experiences, while discussing the events of the previous night, my wife pointed out to me that it was stressful to her, and to the man she was blowing to worry about exactly what I meant – was it okay for him to cum in her mouth, as long as she didn’t swallow? What about pre-cum?

Her approach was excellent, and in the proper context, and after thinking about it for awhile, I decided that since we had a trusting relationship with this other couple – trusting to the point that we had forgone condoms with them – I was comfortable with her swallowing him.

More Change

Our rules evolve differently with different partners as well. Naturally, we play with people we trust and like, nevertheless, with some partners we have more “stringent ” rules. Likewise, we have to be respectful of our play partner’s rules as well, and their rules may change and evolve over time.

It is critical to accept that rules will change, and that each of you may have different ideas about how and when this will occur. Open and honest communication is the only hope for starting and continuing an enjoyable “swingers lifestyle”.

Stick with your rules. The time to change rules is not on-the-spot, and it is not acceptable to “forget” a rule. It is also unacceptable to put your partner on the spot and demand a decision on a rule change in the heat of the moment.

If you are interested in changing or abolishing a rule, the time to discuss it is afterwards. Again, I remind you, rules are not about negotiation or argument, they are about comfort and enjoyment, so be respectful of your partner, and their feelings.

Also, be aware that your play partners have their own rules, and if you run into one that seems odd to you – remember it makes sense to them. Do not try to convince them that they should change their rule to suit you.

In Conclusion

Setting rules is clearly critical to enjoyment of the lifestyle, and unfortunately it can become a point of conflict if not handled with respect, caring and love for your partner. However, with some open communication, and thought an effective set of rules can lead to enjoyable experiences for all.

Reference

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Every man has moments when what is supposed to work, doesn’t. Often women do not understand this. Demonstrate your understanding by being patient. Unless there is a diagnosed medical problem, it may be only in his mind. Generally speaking, if he still wakes up with a hard on or is able to masturbate when alone, it is not medical.

Performance anxiety in the lifestyle is extremely common especially amongst “newbies” and upon meeting another couple for the first time.

The reasons can be numerous and regardless of the reason…it’s devastating to a mans self esteem so be gentle and do not push! Lets take a look at some of the most common reasons men experience performance anxiety in the lifestyle.

• As men become older, their testosterone level drops. Some lose interest in sex. Others become afraid of getting older and a few become impotent or experience sporadic periods of impotency. For some men, it takes longer to have an erection, there may be less ejaculate, and it takes longer between erections, but they can still have great sex until well into their late years.
• More commonly in the lifestyle a males performance anxiety or inability to achieve an erection has to do with nerves.. plain… simple…and understandable! Will the new woman find me attractive? How does my penis size measure up to the other guys? Will I be able to please the other woman? Will the other guy be better at pleasing my wife? All of these questions and a thousand others will almost assuredly be swirling through your husbands mind and they often affect his ability to “perform”….which by the way is a stress inducing term all on its own!
• Alcohol: Many times in order to break the ice and calm the nerves couples will enjoy a drink or two prior to engaging in physical intimacy. While one or two can certainly ease the nervousness and lower inhibitions too much alcohol can actually have the opposite effect. The best bet…. really watch the alcohol consumption!

So what to do if your spouse or another man experiences performance anxiety?

• Be careful not to suggest to your love partner that because he can’t get it up, there must be something wrong with you; that you do not turn him on like you used too.

The last thing he needs is something more to think about when he is doing the    best he can. Talk about it later. Never, I repeat, NEVER talk about it while you are in the bedroom.

• First, understand that it isn’t about you! Don’t take it personally. I know. It’s hard. (Pun intended). Just remember, It can happen to the best of men. Tell him it’s okay. Hold him. Accept what he can give. Let him know how good it feels just to be held closely by the one you love. Cuddle. Do spoons! Spoons fit together. So do two people who love each other.

• Learn to love it flaccid. There are a lot of pleasurable things you can do with a limp penis. Touch him gently. Offer a wet kiss. Initiate. If he is unable or is concerned or under stress, you must take over if you want to continue to have fun. Become more assertive. Encourage him to allow you to be the aggressor. During relationship coaching, many men have confided that they wish their partner would be more agressive when making love.

• Whisper what “you” like in your lover’s ear. Trust me… nothing has sprung Michael back to life faster than me whispering all sorts of naughty… slutty things in his ear!

• Being intimate is not just about making love. Touch, kiss, handle, lick, stroke, nuzzle, play, snuggle, pet, tongue, hold, nestle, fondle, squeeze, fool around, hug, compliment, notice, frolic, amuse, embrace, caress, yield with abandon, and totally surrender. Raise the bar! Say “yes” to each other. There are a lot of ways to share intimacy and make sex great without penetration.

• Guide his hand to your G-spot. Show him where it is. While turning you on, he may catch some of the flame. Good hand and mouth work will almost always assure a return engagement as a reward for your efforts. Make this an opportunity for him to learn how to be an amazing lover not just a good fuck!

• Get him into a completely comfortable position. Make sure he is not bearing any weight and gently….really gently give him a wet blow job. This is another one of those Couples click exclusive tips! Anytime Michael has to hold an awkward position for too long….the erection starts to lose its strength. Think about it..the goal is to get blood to the penis….if the guy is having to support all of his weight the blood has to be redirected to other muscles and thus…. you know! But as soon as you get him relaxed and his legs stop shaking from supporting his weight…. slow….wet….mouth…. VIOLA!

Lastly,  remember…It is not always necessary to have intercourse to have hot sex in the bedroom. Be playful. Have fun with sex. The mind is the greatest aphrodisiac. Use your imagination and more often than not you will be able to work through performance anxiety.

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People who for the first time learn about the swinging lifestyle often assume that there has to be something wrong in a relationship within a couple for them to join in. Ironically, the truth is completely the opposite. This lifestyle is ONLY for couples that are happy, committed and secure in their relationships.

So, what makes this lifestyle so special and why does a growing number of modern couples decide to join in? The fact is that there is nothing different about the people who participate in the lifestyle. What’s different is the way they go about exploring their fantasies and sexuality.

Sex used to be something that only people who are deeply in love, and most of the time married, were supposed to share. One of the new realized realities of our society today is the fact that most people can now separate love and sex. Sex is becoming something more of a leisure, if you will, rather than an experience shared only with your soulmate. Does this mean that sex is no longer a physical expression of love? Of course – it still is! We still reserve “love making” only for the ones we love. However, the recreational sex is becoming something that can be detached from an actual relationship and enjoyed as an entirely separate activity.

Another new reality of the modern society is the fact that many people do require sexual variety to live a fully enjoyable sex lives. It is not a secret that most modern marriages during its existence are challenge by adultery or end up in divorce. We’ve all heard the statistics. Does it mean we don’t love our partners or don’t want them as much sexually any more? Absolutely not! “Different” doesn’t mean “better”. For example, when one looks at someone of an opposite sex other than his or her partner – it is not in a search for something better. By looking at someone different, we find excitement in exploring their body shapes, moves, sexuality – it’s all very new, different and, therefore, exciting. Variety is what makes many people excited and the lust for it is here to stay.

One of the other newly accepted parts of our sex lives are our fantasies. By definition, they are our sexual desires which many times do NOT include our partners ( or at least not JUST them ). Even well recognized sex therapists have concluded that sexual fantasies are healthy and are here to stay as a part of almost any relationship.

So, what are the choices that modern couples face today if they are seeking some variety or spice in their sex lives? Well, there are several options. One is to suppress your feeling and keep going in denial. That is the approach that works on the surface. Everything looks great – you are a traditional “happy” couple who want to be with no one else, but each other. ( Oh, how sweet! ) But the fact of the matter is that you are lying not only to yourself, but also to your partner. By suppressing your feelings you are not getting rid of them, but many times you actually make them stronger. So, there goes the trust and communication that few relationships can survive without. The second choice is something that quite a few people choose to do as a way out – adultery. Even though in this case you do get to satisfy your desires, you once again end up with the absence of those two main ingredients of any strong relationship that we just talked about. The third choice is something that has only been recently discovered by the mainstream couples – swinging. It is a lifestyle that not only keeps the trust and communication between the two partners – it requires both of those qualities to participate.

The swinging lifestyle is about sharing the sexual fantasies together with your partner (“together” being the keyword). This is the lifestyle that can only work for the committed couples that are secure in their relationships and have open and direct communication with each other.

Another misunderstanding about the lifestyle is the myth that swingers are people who screw everyone they meet in the lifestyle and do it as often as they can. That can’t be further from the truth! As a matter of fact, most couples are not what’s called “hardcore swingers”. There are different types of swinging and a couple can select the one that caters to their sexuality the best. You can go only as far as social flirting, light touching with a friendly couple, or you can choose to get sexual with just your own partner while another couple is enjoying each other in the same room. It all depends on how you and your partner want your swinging experience to happen, and you should never go any further that the comfort level that you have set.

There are several kinds of swinging that couples choose to participate in. There is a “traditional” couple to couple relationship, where two couples exchange partners for the sexual activities and sometimes participate in bi-sexual play as well. There are three-way relationships where a couple invites a single male or female to play along with them. Some couples prefer to only swap bi-sexual partners. There are several more types of swinging, and they all are about sharing desires together with your partner and growing from it within your own relationship.

You don’t have to jump into the lifestyle by going all the way with the first people you meet. Many couples choose to take it slow while adjusting to the new lifestyle. Some start by looking at others and talking about what they find attractive. Watching adult movies together could be another way to share fantasies and desires before inviting others to join you. Using toys, role-playing, flirting are all ways to explore. It is OK to take your time and in many cases it takes a while from the moment a couple decides to explore to their first sexual encounter.

Even though couples that join the lifestyle are looking to enhance their sex lives and overall relationships, it is also important to make sure not to damage what you already have. Each member of a couple must have a desire to satisfy both of their fantasies and not just their own. If one partner is looking to only satisfy his or her own desires dragging their partner along for the ride, it is a pretty good indication that there is something wrong in a relationship as is. In that case it is strongly recommended not to participate in the lifestyle at all. Your primary relationship with your partner is the most important thing and should be the number one priority throughout your experiences in the lifestyle.

So, make sure to keep the communication gates open between you and your partner at all times and set your pace and rules upfront for the most enjoyable experiences. Happy swinging!

Reference From Baycouples

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This is a tough subject for me to address since I happen to be one of the few women in the lifestyle who actually prefers men. Additionally, I have seen far too often men who coax their wives into the lifestyle under the pretense that it would be hot to watch two women together when the reality is he wants to have two women but heaven forbid she wants two men! Shame on those guys!

But since the single woman is a hot commodity in the swinging lifestyle I thought is was only fair to include information on them.

A strong fantasy of most men (swingers or straight) is to have sex with two women at the same time. Likewise many women have a curiosity about experiencing another woman.

Finding the elusive “single female” is another challenge all together! Honestly in our six years in the lifestyle we have only been with a single female twice. Partly because it’s not our preference and partly because it’s extremely difficult to find a single female who actually understands the lifestyle.

On each of these two occasions however we found “her” at a local strip club! Another suggestion is to go to nightclub / danceclub, strike up a conversation with a single female, and see if she is agreeable in getting together with the two of you.

A couple of cautions regarding the single female:

1)    Although this is a gross generalization it is something my husband and I have perceived more often than not and therefore thought we should share. Single women tend to look at a man from this perspective: “what are the possibilities long term?” While this is great from single female to single male it is not a thought you want to invite into your marriage. We have seen, on more than one occasion, the single female cause significant problems within a marriage. The husband feels euphoric because someone else is showing him interest and the single female becomes competitive with the wife. If you’re honest you know this… women are extremely competitive with each other.
2)    Husbands, be forewarned. If you are trying to pressure your wife into being with another woman so that you can fulfill your fantasy of being with two women you could be in for a rude awakening and damaging the marriage. First of all women are not ignorant and we already know your motives. If they are pure… we will know it and love you for it. If they are not… we will know it and begin to resent you for it.

Final Thoughts: If motives are pure and each person is on the same page then a threesome or girl/girl play with a single female can be a great deal of fun! Although our experiences have been limited, they have been a great deal of fun!

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